Week 14- Our Baby Journey

As I said earlier Ryan and I feel very blessed to be welcoming this new baby. It has been a long journey that has been at times extremely stressful, frustrating and even scary. Through it all not only have Ryan and my family walked me through every step, but God has gotten me through every day, especially the toughest ones.

Ryan and I have always known we wanted to have a family. As a kid, I always wanted 10 kids (what in the world was I thinking?!). I loved kids! I honestly never really thought I'd have too much trouble having kids, so wasn't too worried about it when we started trying. But after over a year of trying and nothing happening, we became very frustrated. It also became harder and harder to watch those around us have kids. We were of course extremely overjoyed for them, but I REALLY argued a lot with God about why them and not us. It didn't seem fair. But the awesome thing about God is that He always knows what He is doing. I am still learning that in many ways.

Finally in April of 2007 we decided to visit a fertility doctor and get everything checked out. Everything pretty much came back o.k., so we first decided to try a round of the drug Clomid. Let's just say that little drug changed my life. I have never had a reaction to any drug, but I had a very bad one to the Clomid. That was quite frankly one of the scariest moments of my life. Thankfully my wonderful husband and family got me through it and on the road to recovery.

After that episode the doctor decided that we needed to jump from the first step, which was Clomid, all the way to the top of the ladder and do IVF (In Vitro Fertilization) b/c of some of my family history. That completely freaked me out. At that point I was completely NOT ready for that step. The whole world of fertility treatments was still very new to me and the first thing I tried was horrible. I was definitely terrified to then jump to the king of all treatments. The mere thought of giving myself a shot made me hyperventilate!

The 2007-2008 school year was one of the hardest years I have ever experienced. The stress of everything going on took its toll on me physically and mentally. I even lost about 10 pounds because I completely lost my appetite. Since I was already a size 0, you can only imagine how scary I looked.

We decided we weren't ready for IVF and in November of 2007 we switched doctors and began seeing a fantastic doctor in Winter Park. I never thought that I would drive 90 miles each way for a doctor's visit, but I did and it was worth it. I was scared to try more drugs, but I was determined to do whatever I needed to do to become a mom. I tried a different drug, Tamoxifen, and thankfully didn't have any side effects. We were planning to do an IUI (Intra Uterine Insemination) along with the drug, but at the last minute some test results came back from a biopsy I had had done showing that I was missing an important protein.

So we had to abort the current plan and I had to start on a drug called Lupron. I had to get a big shot in the rear end once a month for 3 months in the hopes of the drug replacing the missing protein. The fun thing about Lupron is that it stifles everything and puts you in a menopausal state. It is also known for some very serious side effects. Thankfully, I did not have any problems with the Lupron, apart from many unpleasant hot flashes. (I can now sympathize with every 50 year old menopausal woman out there!)

After those 3 months I was ready to start again, but now I had to wait until my body returned to normal. Finally in August-September of 2008, I did another round of Tamoxifen and we did our first IUI. I also had to give myself my very first shot ever.

The one thing that freaked me out more than any other thing was the idea of having to give myself shots. I always said that I could never do it. But in order to do the IUI I had to give myself a shot at a specific time on a specific day. That time and day happened to be during a USF football game. So my mom and I smuggled my dreaded shot into Raymond James Stadium and during the third quarter of the game I stowed away in a bathroom stall and did it- I gave myself my very first shot! I was very proud of myself. (Oh yeah, USF also won their game that night, although I think I was the bigger winner!)

We did the IUI and it didn't work. As devastated as I was, I was also happy to have finally made it through a complete round of something. It seemed we had been foiled on every other attempt. At this point I felt like I was ready to take the next step and try a more aggressive route- the dreaded injections. I had made it through that first shot and lived to tell about it, so I was trusting God to get me through these next ones. It is truly amazing the things you can do when you set your mind to it. I really feel like God was walking me through every step and preparing me for the next obstacle. So, instead of pills I began to give myself daily injections in the stomach. (In the grand scheme of things they really weren't that bad, but I definitely would not be the first person to sign up to do them again.) So in October we tried again,but the 2nd IUI failed as well.

I was so sure that this one was going to work that I was truly devastated when it didn't. Ryan was out of town the weekend after we found out the bad news and I had to attend a memorial service alone. I cried and cried my eyes out. Thankfully, God placed some wonderful friends in my life that really encouraged me during that time.

After that we finally decided we were ready to take the big step and try IVF. By the grace of God, Ryan's health insurance covers IVF completely, up to 3 tries. It is very unusual for an insurance company to do that. Each IVF attempt costs roughly around $10-12,000.

Once again I had to go on the Lupron (you can never have too many hot flashes or shots in the butt!) and then in December I started on the daily injections. The box of IVF medications you receive from UPS is insane. When I took them all out of the box to make sure everything was there, they literally covered my entire kitchen countertop. I thought, "I have to take all this stuff?!" It is very overwhelming. But this time I was ready!

I began with small injections of Lupron once a day and then eventually worked my way up to about 3 injections a day of various medications. During most of this time Ryan and I were visiting his family and friends in Illinois and St Louis for the holidays. In fact, I had to give myself one shot on our drive home after Christmas, in a Cracker Barrel bathroom. The embarrasing part was when I was done with the shot I accidentally dropped the capped needle and it rolled out from under the stall. Oops, I can only imagine what the people standing in the bathroom were thinking. =)

After retrieving my eggs in early January, Ryan and I were ready for our big day. On January 18th, we had 2 embryos implanted back into my uterus. After that we went home and watched the Cardinals win the NFC Championship game. It was a very hope-filled day. Over the next two weeks we prayed and prayed and prayed. Since I didn't feel any different I was sure that the IVF didn't work and was really struggling with having to go through the whole process all over again.

On Friday, January 30th I drove to Winter Park for the day of reckoning- the blood test. I could have taken a home pregnancy test prior to that, but was too afraid to so I waited until the blood test. The previous couple of days I had been having terrible cramps and was sure that my period was about to start, which only depressed me more. Even so, I was still begging God for a miracle result, even though I was fairly certain of the outcome.

On my 2 hour drive back to school, I received a call from the nurse. I was surprised to hear from her so soon because the previous 2 times I didn't receive a call until the end of the day. I answered the phone and she simply said, "Hold on, let me put you through to the doctor."
At this point I didn't know what to think. The other 2 times the nurse just apologized and said I wasn't pregnant. I had never been put through to the doctor before. My first thought was, "Oh my gosh, since it was an IVF cycle they must want to let me down gently. How depressing." (Oh me of little faith!)

Suddenly, I heard "Congratulations!" over the phone. The doctor had me on speaker phone with he and the nurses all listening. The feeling I felt at that moment had to be similar to what a person feels when they find out that they have just won the lottery. I was in complete and utter shock. I really couldn't believe what I was hearing.

I hung up with the doctor and of course called Ryan, who was also just as shocked. He didn't have too much to say, since I think he was speechless at that point himself. Then I called my parents and my sister who were overjoyed.

After that I had to go to school and pretend that I didn't just get the best news of my life. I have to say it wasn't easy to walk in the office and act like it was any other normal day. I think if someone had asked me about my appointment I probably would have spilled the beans.

We found out I was pregnant at around 4 weeks and we went back to the doctor at 7 weeks for our first ultrasound. The blood tests showed that my hormone levels were so high that the nurse was pretty sure that I probably was going to have twins. Ryan and I had prepared ourselves for that possibility, but when we had the ultrasound there was only one baby. At the time we were kind of surprised, but I'm actually thankful now. One baby will definitely be plenty to handle! We were able to see the baby and its heartbeat. That was such an exciting moment- it seemed to make it all real.

And as they say, the rest is history. Thankfully, that portion of our baby journey is over for now, but the next part is just beginning. I am so thankful for a loving husband, family and friends that have stood by my side and walked me through every step. It's not easy putting up with a stressed out hormonal woman. I really feel like God had us experience all of the things we've been through for a reason.

It's my prayer that my story will be an encouragement to someone else out there going through similar struggles. My verse of encouragement through this season of my life has been Philippians 4:13: "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." I can not tell you how many times I have quoted that verse to myself to get me through a tough day or a painful shot. I have experienced firsthand God's faithfulness and even if we had not received the outcome we had prayed for, I know that God would still be there walking me through each step of the journey.

Thank you for taking the time to read my story. I'll post more updates soon.